Freak

DEE: I went to a workshop over the weekend and I was the only one who didn’t bring up having a cat or two. Bunch of freaks.
ME Uhm….I have cats.
DEE: Yes…yes you do. Freak.
 

Pronounced “Vadge”

DEE: You know the worst name for a girl? It’s got to be Vag (pronounced Vadge).
ME:  Who named their kid Vag…seriously…who?
DEE: No one. I would just like to live in a world where someone was named Vag.
ME: If you pay me a large sum of money – when I have a baby – her middle name [...]

Are you sure it’s dead?

LB: Are you sure it is dead?  They DO play possum you know. Perhaps you should go get it out of the garbage container and just make certain it is dead.  I’d hate to report you to PETA.
ME: I may have only gone to veterinary school for one year, but I’m pretty sure once the rigor [...]

Dead Possum Bring Good Luck

TT: I bet that in some culture some where in this world that the arrival of a dead oppossum on one’s doorstep (or in that area) is a sign of many years of good luck.
ME: Thanks! Not to pour out your half full glass but what does it mean if the landlord removes the dead [...]

Note I left on my Landlords door

Hi There!
Ummmmm…how do I say this…There is a dead possum (or an obscenely large dead rat) under my back porch (The area just off the dining room). I’m not quite sure who to call to get rid of it???
I’m home this evening, just knock when you get this!
Thanks!
Jenn
(Insert drawing of dead possum here with caption [...]

American Gladiators

My brother has two miniature Pinschers (dogs) Spike and Nitro. Apparently the people they adopted them from had an unhealthy love of the old-school American Gladiators. My brother emailed me this morning about Spike:
MY BROTHER: Last night when I went to bed, Spike was under the covers near my knees (and in the way) so [...]

PETA

ME: Here is a list of what I need from you:
- Shortened version on the BUY NOW section
- Web site hosting information
- Two gerbils having sex
CO-WORKER: Thanks. I have one gerbil, but I’m trying not to squish it.
ME: Two gerbils having sex…with each other.
CO-WORKER: Oh! Wow, did I ever misinterpret THAT!
ME:  PETA should be knocking [...]

Strawberry Shortcake

ME: I had to decline your strawberry shortcake comment …it felt a little violent, even for me. If I were your wife…I might be a little frightened.
MY BROTHER: What?  Censored?  Anal hot dog sex is okay, but no strawberry shortcakes?  What about an Abraham Lincoln?
ME: I know I will regret this…what is an Abraham Lincoln?
MY [...]

Another issue for AT&T

“Lavender” is my most bitter friend ever. She lives in LA. She has had one nose job (that I know of). And she hates pretty much everyone and everything. But that is what makes her special!  My most recent conversation with Lavender went something like this:
LAVENDER: Did I tell you about my phone stalker?
ME: Another [...]

Worst personal ad headline ever:

ME: Worst personal ad headline ever: “Wealthy Sexy Guy (Model Type) Seeks Special Lady”
DEE: I saw this before, only it was titled “Psychopathic Hobo with Access to Craigs List Seeks Gullible Victim for Mutual Abuse and Sodomy”