The Eyes have it

MY BROTHER: You say I never keep you up to date on my health stuff, so…I went to the eye-doctor the other day to utilize my unused benefits before the “year end” of the plan.
This doctor was amazing.  I’ve never had an eye-doctor spend as much time with me as he did.  He laser-scanned the [...]

After the E.E.G

MY BROTHER: Just got back from the EEG.  I’m a bit more rested and caffeinated and wax-haired now.  Have you ever had one?  They put all those wires all over your head then tell you to relax. Then, in and out of sleep, they tell you “open your eyes”  then “close your eyes” then “breathe [...]

Apples and Oranges

ME: Don’t’ you ever feel like taking an annoying person, stapling mice to their body and then releasing them into a barn full of owls?
MY BROTHER: Call me old-fashioned, but I’d just rather just pound their faces ’til their heads cave in then write “fuck you, idiot” on the wall with their brains…but that’s just [...]

The E.E.G.

MY BROTHER: I am sooooooo tired.  I am getting an EEG and they want me to be sleep deprived so I had to go to bed 2 hrs late and get up 2 hrs early and NOT HAVE COFFEE! I can’t wait to sleep during the test at 1:00.
ME: This is like all of your [...]

Depression as Art

ME: I’m trying to come up with ways to turn your depression into performance art.
MY BROTHER: When you say “your depression” do you mean anyone’s, or mine in general?
ME: Anyone’s in general. Preferably, male oriented ideas. I have some but need more.
 An example: Hey all you down-in-the-dumps women…we all know that you have a cat (or [...]

Confessions

ME: Sometimes, I lay on my bathroom floor and listen to my downstairs neighbors through the vent. They are really boring.
MY BROTHER: Sometimes I spy on the Asian people next door….they are usually boring…but also weird and creepy:
A lady, a lot older than she looks, counting money at table. Two younger Asians arrive home with takeout, she immediately [...]

Superballs

MY BROTHER: I found a store online where I can get 250 superballs for $11.50!!  I had better order them this weekend.
ME: That is a pretty good deal! So…just out of curiosity…what kind of damage can a superball do from 38 stories up?
MY BROTHER: Well, they seem to be pretty low density. I have a [...]

Pickle

ME: Remember when you wanted your middle name to be pickle?
MY BROTHER: No.
ME: You wanted it to be “Pickle” …Mom vetoed it.
MY BROTHER: When the hell was this? I remember when you used to wish your name had been Samantha…no doubt due to the influence of Bewitched. So if you did have a middle name, what [...]

Family Photos

One day my brother sent me some photos. They were of our half-brother, his wife, and our nephew. Our nephew is really cute. Here is the conversation that followed:
MY BROTHER: Our brother and the fam were here last weekend…took these with my phone.
ME: How was the visit? Are they still bickering? I swear – if [...]

Poor Kitties…

MY BROTHER: How was house-hunting last weekend?
ME: I gave up and decided to save more money for the down payment. And the landlord is leaving town for another month so I will have more peace and quiet, and make some cash by feeding his cats again.
MY BROTHER: Cool….what are you going to feed his cats to?